If it's September, it must mean that college football haiku is breaking out all over the place!
Here, all along, I had been thinking I pioneered a new art form. James Joyce told the story of one day in Dublin, William Faulkner told the story of Thomas Sutpen, and I spoke ill of Auburn in seventeen syllables.
But, the more, the merrier, I suppose.
Here are my latest offerings:
Last season, Auburn
Went undefeated. Begin
Investigating.
Has Auburn ever
Won a conference title
Without probation?
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Naturally, this relocation makes a lot of sense and I am sticking by my pick, even though a Sun Devil win wouldn't surprise me nearly as much in the desert as it would have on the bayou.
I'm just sorry I didn't know about this until after I had already worked a Charlie Daniels reference into my forecast.
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In a news conference on Tuesday (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=2153756), Joe Paterno announced to the press, "I can't trust you guys anymore. I am just being honest with you. It is no fun. If I have to go and be guarded about everything I do, it is no fun. . . . I don't like you guys anymore. I don't know how else to say it. An element of the job that I loved has been taken away from me."
I have two questions.
Is it just me or is JoePa starting to sound like Walter Matthau in "Grumpy Old Men"?
Can you imagine a head coach who says "y'all" instead of "you guys" ever being rude or foolhardy enough to say such a thing as this to the news media?
Try closing your eyes and envisioning something similar coming from, say, Bobby Bowden. "Dad blame it, I don't like y'all anymore!" I just can't see it.
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A good husband probably shouldn't share this story with total strangers, but, then again, if I were a good husband, I wouldn't devote even remotely this much time to maintaining a college football weblog, so I suppose that ship has sailed.
On Monday night, I was watching the Florida State-Miami game, as a good American should. My wife, Susan, entered the living room during the broadcast and she overheard what the announcers were saying, but she did not look at the screen.
Right about the time Susan entered the room, a typical overblown statement was offered by college football's most annoying commentator, Brent Musberger, who seems to possess all of Howard Cosell's arrogance with none of his talent. In praise of 'Canes Q.B. Kyle Wright, Musberger exclaimed, "We're watching a quarterback growing up before our eyes!"
Susan, who had not yet looked at the television, winced and said, "Ooh!"
I sat there on the couch for a minute and let my mind work that non sequitur over for a while.
Then it hit me.
"Sus," I said, "you do realize he said 'growing up,' not 'throwing up,' don't you?"
"Oh," she replied, realizing that she had misunderstood Musberger's remark. "Well, that's much better!"
In her defense, a lot of what she understands about football came from watching Jamie Foxx in "Any Given Sunday," so it was an understandable mistake.
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As promised, I am introducing a new segment known as "Advance Bowl Bashing." Rather than wait until the last minute to begin speaking ill of the Bulldogs' postseason opponent, I will use each week's A.P. poll as a barometer for determining Georgia's likely bowl pairing and let the mocking and belittling begin early and in earnest.
Given the Tigers' and the Volunteers' lofty rankings, it is probable that, were the season to end with the standings as they currently are, both squads would receive B.C.S. berths, which would send Georgia to the Citrus Bowl. (Yes, I know they renamed it after a credit card company, but, until they throw a little of that sponsorship money my way, I'm calling it what it is. What's in my wallet? A pocket history of college football traditions, you bunch of corporate shills.)
The Citrus Bowl matches the best S.E.C. team left out of the B.C.S. with the best Big Ten team fitting that same description. Currently, three Big Ten teams are in the top ten: third-ranked Michigan, fourth-ranked Ohio State, and eighth-ranked Iowa.
Personally, I would love to see Georgia and Iowa go up against one another. The 'Dawgs have beaten Big Ten teams in bowl games four times in the last eight years, whereas the Hawkeyes ended the 2003 and 2004 campaigns by beating S.E.C. squads in the postseason. Nevertheless, Georgia and Iowa have never met.
Kirk Ferentz and Mark Richt are coaches cut from the same cloth, both men having revived fallen former powers and turned them into perennial contenders. Only four teams have finished in the top eight in the final polls in each of the last three seasons: Georgia, Iowa, Oklahoma, and Southern Cal.
As much as I would welcome such a bowl match-up, though, I came to mock and belittle the Bulldogs' potential postseason opponents, not to praise them. Accordingly, here are five ways to make fun of the Iowa Hawkeyes:
1. As a state, Iowa is famous for only two things: picking good corn and picking bad presidential candidates.
2. The Hawkeyes' hero is Hayden Fry. Our church men's group once hosted a Hayden Fry as a fundraiser. For three dollars a plate, you got hush puppies, cole slaw, French fries, sweet tea, and two pieces of filleted Hayden.
3. Because Iowa is the only state with a name consisting of three guttural exclamations, it is the easiest state name to say while belching and some experts believe that "Iowa" is the answer to the famous question, "What did the last Neanderthal say to the first Cro-Magnon?"
4. The winner of the Iowa-Minnesota game receives a 15-inch-high bronze statue of a pig named Floyd. I'm not even going to make a joke about that fact; I'm just going to let it sit there while you think about it until your brain hurts.
5. The University of Iowa sports teams are nicknamed the Hawkeyes, in honor of Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, the character played by Alan Alda on "M*A*S*H." This gives Iowa the most liberal mascot of any Division I-A school, now that Hawaii has quit using the name of Greenpeace's ship as a moniker.
I wish the Hawkeyes the best of luck, but, if Georgia has to face Iowa in a bowl game, I am now prepared to make unmerciful fun of them.
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Coming soon: My breakdown of the South Carolina game and maybe a little mocking and belittling, besides.
Let's see . . . South Carolina's mascot . . . Steve Spurrier's personality . . . I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere. . . .
Go 'Dawgs! | 
